Grace & Hope

as i name graces today this one word, one precious name keeps coming to mind : hope .

as that precious name comes to mind and i begin to stain pages with memories, i see this bouncy red headed child with the most generous heart you've ever seen . i remember nights of laughing and giggling in our cabin and mornings of convincing her to get out of bed . i remember her sparkly-eyed happiness when we found that pirate in the tree . i remember her obsession with that pirate man and i remember how she ensured that she always, always brought him candy . i remember the pure joy in everything that she did .

but more than that, i remember my heartbreak over this hope-girl .

you see, the week before she came i miserably failed . i counseled a cabin of nine girls and barely knew some of their names . i didn't do as much for them as i know i could have, and some of them left with more doubts and questions than they had when they arrived . i could have helped them, but i was so caught up in myself and my plans that i didn't take the time to truly care for my campers . and i  knew it . they left on friday night and i felt guilt so heavy it was almost a physical weight on my back .

i turned on my phone saturday afternoon to a call from mom telling me that the unthinkable had happened : a bus flipped and friends died and there were so many unanswered questions . i didn't know how to react, how to breathe, how to move forward . how could i keep working and cheering and doing that "counselor thing" [ read : running around like a crazy woman with face paint and messy pool hair and turning everything into a song ] when so many people i love are grieving so deeply ? how can i pretend that i'm not exhausted and i'm not struggling to stay at camp ? i was scared to begin another week, knowing how weak i was and how easily i could fail yet again .

but there's this amazing thing called grace . there's this strength that only God gives .

i got to that new week of camp, the week that hope came, tempted to give up . i met my new campers, hope and her twin sister faith among them. i was determined to push this exhaustion and weakness aside . i was determined to give these girls the best week of camp, the best week of their lives .

and then i realized just who was in my cabin . i was counseling ten girls who had no clue what a real relationship with Jesus looks like . they didn't care about anything spiritual . they were there because camp is fun, but what did Jesus mean to them ? nothing . and that killed me inside . i wanted Jesus to be absolutely everything to them .

so even though i was weak and struggling, i tried to pour my entire heart out to these girls . i told them about the gospel and about the Jesus who saved them . i prayed for them, out loud and by name. we prayed every single night before bed . i loved them even though they didn't always love me back . but yet, they still were so blind . they still didn't understand their desperate need for Christ .

it was that thursday morning after a very long weekend and after four days of groping along in exhaustion, when i sat and cried . i sat at my spot on the staff lounge porch and i cried out to God .

that thursday morning i gave up . i turned every single bit of myself over to Christ . i gave Him free reign over every word and action that happened that day . i was so desperate and broken for these girls that i was willing to do whatever it took to help them . i knew that God was the only one that could open their blind eyes, and i trusted Him fully . i left that porch encouraged . whatever the outcome of that thursday, Jesus had it under control . i knew that to Him belonged all the power and glory .

and then the impossible happened . the immeasurably more happened .

i left the porch, ready for another day of trying to break down rock-hard walls in girls' hearts, but instead i found those hearts to be soft clay . the first words i heard coming out of my cabin that morning were "molly, we need to talk ." and before 8 am, cheyenne had realized her need . she had seen her sin and wanted Jesus more than anything . we celebrated her adoption into God's family as we headed to breakfast . we celebrated from breakfast to chapel . and then, after chapel and hearing the gospel yet again, we all had time to talk . and that was when autumn told me that she understood and she wanted Jesus too . throughout that morning and afternoon, four girls came to me and begged me to help them begin a relationship with this Jesus they had heard so much about . first cheyenne, then faith, and maggie, and olivia .

and then there was hope, this little redheaded bundle of happiness . she wanted the same thing that everyone else seemed to be doing, but she didn't understand it . she still struggled to see her need for Jesus . in her mind, she was good enough . she didn't need a savior .

i saw some of myself in her . i saw the eight year old me and i knew that i was once hope . my heart broke and i tried to show her Light . she didn't understand .

but once again, at the lowest, the immeasurably more happened .

after that evening chapel, after she heard the gospel for the fourth time that day, everything clicked . her eyes were opened and she understood . she knew . she dragged me out of that room so quickly i could barely keep up. we sat down by the zipline at the drop-off that overlooked the field and the stars, and we talked . she picked up a wood chip from the ground and told me : "molly, this is my sin . it's dirty and when you look at my hand, all you can see is this wood chip . but molly, Jesus took away this sin and dirt ."

and then hope threw that wood chip over the edge . it disappeared among the other pieces of dirt and she grinned and with tear filled eyes, she whispered "see molly ? my sin is gone . Jesus took it away and now i can't even find which wood chip sin was mine anymore ." it was the most beautiful picture of justification i had ever seen . but it wasn't a complete picture, yet . there was still more beauty to be found .

i took hope's hand and as joyful tears streamed down my face, i told her "but hope, the amazing thing is that now you're not left with empty hands . now you have hands covered by Christ and His righteousness . His perfection covers your sin and your empty hands -- now everything good that Jesus did is what God sees when He looks at you . God does not see hope-girl anymore . God looks down at you and sees Jesus ."

so right there, hope says "i understand ."

"and what happens now, hope ?"

"well first, i need to pray and ask Jesus for forgiveness and i need to accept His righteousness . and then i really, really need to go to the bathroom ."

and there, after many failures, after hitting rock bottom, after asking so many questions and pushing through grief, there was redemption . God uses broken people like even me to accomplish His purposes . hope-girl became a daughter of God and we celebrated all night long . five of these girls that came to camp that week so hard against the gospel left camp as daughters of God . Christ did immeasurably more than i could have imagined .

so today, facing heartache and weakness again, i can choose to see grace . i don't focus on my weakness, but instead rejoice that my weaknesses proclaim Christ more . because that same God that was so powerfully strong at camp is the same God that is with me today . because when i am weak, then i am strong . and i'm so incredibly thankful .