Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts

On Courage & Transparency

I.
A few weeks ago, I found the words,
“Real courage starts with showing up, seeing God, and knowing he sees us—even if no one else ever does.” It’s been at least three weeks, and that quote is still sitting on a post-it on my desk and is still working its way through my heart. I'm slowly learning the rhythms of this. I’m learning to lean into it. When things get hard and it’s easier to quit, where do you go? How do you keep moving forward? I’ve been searching for that answer, and I think it’s here in this unseen.

II.
Autumn has been a hard season for me throughout my undergrad years. Beginning with fall of my freshman year and major adjustments to college, it has seemed as though the calendar turns from August to September, and I’m a mess until December. Sophomore year’s fall was rough when I crashed and burned hard after an incredible summer at camp. Junior year, an ant bite turned into eight weeks of sickness while I grew apathetic about my sin. I spent that entire fall not caring a thing about my relationship with God—and it showed. Fall of last year, my senior year, I was reeling from a long, intense summer in Nepal. I had no idea where to begin processing the hard things, no idea how to move forward in my new normal, no idea how to keep believing and trusting in the goodness of God. Each fall semester, I look back and trace patterns of doubt, discouragement, and fear throughout those months. Though autumn is still somehow my favorite season, it’s a consistently difficult one.
Knowing this reality, these patterns, I determined this summer that I wouldn't let this fall be that way, that I wouldn't slip into discouragement and apathy again, if at all possible. I determined that I would press in to the uncomfortable things, whatever they would be. I didn’t have a plan on how I would break the cycle, I simply knew something needed to change.

III.
I've always been an encourager of honesty, transparency, realness—in face-to-face conversations, and especially on social media. I’ve foolishly criticized people for only posting their picture perfect moments instead of recognizing the reality, the difficulty of life. I’ve been a proponent of admitting that life is messy and hard and that it hurts. I hate small talk—and it shows in both my conversations over a cup of coffee and in the way I approach social media. Honesty and transparency, always.
But you know, I'm realizing that complete transparency isn’t always best, for me or for the people I’m interacting with. As life gets real and gets messier (beyond just the stress of a busy school year and the day to day mess that being human brings), I’m realizing that there is a legitimate place for edited and curated photos, for small talk, for surface level conversations. Not always, and not necessarily as a pattern of my life, but as a chance to breathe. As a chance to recognize that yes, though life is hard and painful, there is grace and kindness in the midst. There’s enough grace here and now to be content with a quiet afternoon at my favorite coffee shop, even though the moment before I came and the moment after I leave I will feel as though the pressures of life are too much to handle. There is a place for a dumb, cheesy caption. There is a place for simple conversations about the weather. There is a place for keeping things to myself rather than sharing every detail of my life for hundreds to see, flung out under the banner of transparency. 
The choice for simplicity and curated photos is not to mask the pain and pretend that my life is perfect, but it’s to acknowledge (to myself, mostly) that there's grace even in the painful day, that I’m deeply grateful for calm moments where I feel some semblance of normal, that I don't have to focus on the messy side of my life.

IV.
This summer and this fall, they've been the hardest and most growing, challenging months of my life, despite my efforts to make them otherwise. I’ll spare you the details if you’ll just trust me on this one— I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve walked through darkest days and deepest waters. I’ve asked hard questions and I’ve dealt with the harder answers. It’s left me feeling weak and vulnerable, hurt and exhausted and insecure. Yet, at the same time, I’ve never been more peaceful, more confident, more secure. I’ve never valued Jesus as much as I do at this moment. I’ve never grown this much, never felt this healthy in every way. Oh yes, there is still deep hurt I’m dealing with and uncertainty that I’m facing, but there is also Jesus who is holding me through every bit of it. And, for once, this fall season I am embracing Him—choosing to do this well rather than quitting.

V.
For someone who values transparency and honesty as much as I do, it's actually difficult for me to know that only a very small handful of people know, truly, what I'm going through and how hard most days feel. It's hard to know that no one sees, that people I love most don't get it. Transparency is valuable, but it’s not the ultimate goal. Resting in that fact has been a learning process, one I’m still growing in.

VI.
So, I guess this is all just to say (to myself and to you): have courage. Keep showing up and keep pressing in. Whether that looks like transparency over coffee and praying with a close friend for strength from the Father, or whether that looks like posting an edited picture on Instagram of the one pretty moment when you felt like your life wasn't falling apart today. Whatever it looks like, keep showing up. Even if no one else sees. Jesus sees, He’s here in this, and that’s enough. Truly.
I know that the difficulty is intense and it’s easier to feel the hurt than to feel the nearness of your God, but keep preaching the gospel to yourself. Keep preaching it until you see the real beauty and treasure that it is. And even then, don’t stop. One day, you’ll see--- this is worth it all. It may not be something you see today or tomorrow or next week or next month. But one day, you will see. Because one day you will see Jesus and I promise you, in that moment it will all be worth it, because He is worth it. But for now, until then: keep showing up. Keep seeing God. Keep resting in the truth that He sees you, even when no one else does. Keep believing that that’s enough. (Because it is.)
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-- And God Knew.

There it is. In the middle of a narrative that I'd written off as familiar and inconsequential, the story of the Hebrew people as slaves in Egypt, there's this:

During those many days, the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel-- and God knew.

 [ Did you skim over that, like I did the first time? Don't. Go back, read it. Soak in those words.]

God saw the people of Israel-- and God knew.

 God knew.
God knows.

He knows what your morning has already been like; He knows the hurt and the secrets that no one else sees.
He knows the fears and the disappointments; He knows the fragile dreams and the hopes.
He knows how your flesh is weak and how you feel so completely broken and inadequate (& worthless, even?).

God knows.

And this changes everything this week. This makes me slow down, pause, get some perspective: God knows. He has known from the beginning. He hears, he remembers his promises, he sees. Whatever it is, however impossibly big or inconsequentially small, he knows.

And something else: God doesn't just know because he's this nebulous power looking down from a thousand feet above, able to see and know everything that's going on. He knows because he knows you intimately. (Like that best friend that can tell how you're feeling with just a look, but then much deeper.) He knows, and he cares for you. This is the One who created you, the one who delights in you (Psalm 18:19). He knows who you are in Christ. He is a refuge, the place of deepest comfort that only comes when you are fully known, and yet fully loved.

God knew the suffering of the Israelites in their slavery, he heard them when they cried out for rescue.
God knows the emotions and the confusion and the uncertainty and the joy going through you, he hears you when you cry out for rest and rescue and help. You are not ever alone, not ever forsaken.

God knows.
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Press In to the Uncomfortable

It’s 6 am and I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, with a cup of coffee attempting to mask the smell of paint surrounding me. This week my bedroom is getting a fresh coat of paint, a complete transformation. It’s changing from a mismatched yellow and black room with walls covered in photos and trick tapestries and lights strung up to simple white walls, full of intention and meaning. It’s changing from haphazardly tacked up posters to carefully planned photos of memories and pieces full of character.

To look at my room now, you’d never know what it looked like a few short days ago.
But really, to look at me now, you’d never know what I looked like a few short weeks ago. You’d never know the changes that have taken place over the past weeks, the past year.


It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know. Honestly, I’ve surprised myself with how little I’ve written over the past months—and by little, I mean none. I can count on one hand the times I’ve cracked open my journal and scratched out a few words since the day I stepped off the plane from Kathmandu. In some ways, many ways really, I think I’m still processing through everything that happened this year, especially this summer. So much has happened, so much has changed. And the reality of my time in Nepal didn’t hit me fully when I was standing there in July, but it rocked my world when I was at home in October. I didn’t ask the hard questions about poverty and unreached peoples and how in the world can my life have any hint of purpose? until I returned home and settled back into routines of life. When I was in Kathmandu, spending hours with Sakina and breathing in that awful smoke of Pashupati, I simply soaked in everything going on around me. But it wasn’t until four or five months later that it really, really hit me. I asked the hard questions, I wrestled with the painful emotions. But yet? I still don’t have answers. Nepal still feels like a raw place in my heart. It was beautiful, but it was so hard. It changed me. It sent me reeling so hard that I didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t know where to begin writing about it. Because if you don’t even know how to process things in your own mind, how are you ever supposed to write or clean it up into a nice, neat little blog post with a pretty bow on top?

This semester was difficult; in ways I literally cannot explain. But instead of writing, instead of pressing in to the uncomfortable and working through the hard questions, I ran. I used anything and everything to escape reality, to avoid the hard things that I didn’t want to deal with, to pretend that I didn’t feel like everything was such a mess. I could sleep it off, walk away, refuse to think about it. But still, my world felt like it was falling apart. (Because yeah, Netflix seems to help when you’re feeling down, giving an escape for forty minutes or ninety minutes or two hours and three episodes—but when you close the computer and walk back into reality, the hard thing is still there. There are still difficult things to wrestle through, still emotions that flood back. Running, escaping, avoiding—it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.)

I still don’t know how to put words into the simply raw emotion I’ve felt this year. But now, as the calendar flips and seasons of life change, I do know that I’m done running, and I’m ready to press in. I’m trying to work through, to fight for growth and to pursue change. I’m done living in the fear that my world is falling apart, and I’m ready to ask why I feel that way. I’m ready to press in and to deal with it and to embrace the change instead of running away from it. It was our mantra in Nepal, anyways. We daily reminded each other to press in to the uncomfortable, to look the discomfort square in the face and to press in. We worked together, pressing in to the uncomfortable heat or smells or dirty bathrooms or Daal Baht for the fifth time that week. The reminder to press in changed the way I approached life-- but when the uncomfortable became less obvious and more mundane, more abstract and less tangible, I forgot to press in and instead I ran.


Life now, sitting in this room with still-wet paint, looks very different than I imagined it’d be when I came back from halfway around the world. I’m not where I thought I’d be six months ago, nor where I truly want to be, if I’m honest.

But I’m ready for a change.
Sometimes that change is hard, like when your world turns upside down and what was once comfortable is painfully not comfortable anymore. It’s hard when you are faced with deep hurts and almost-relationships that don’t work out and disappointed hopes. It’s hard when change comes and you feel as if you’re drowning, struggling to catch your footing every single day.

But other times, that change is good and beautiful. It’s like a fresh coat of paint, covering up imperfections and failures and blemishes. It’s grace and it’s needed. Sometimes change looks more like flipping a calendar and moving forward with a new year. Sometimes change is realizing that life keeps moving on, and what I’ve learned is this: it’s easier to press in to the uncomfortable than it is to outrun it. You’re never going to outrun it, the uncomfortable is here to stay.

“Hard things just keep calling you because you’re meant to answer to higher and better things.”
This, here and now, is where I grow. This uncomfortable, this hard, this difficult. This struggle to figure out what in the whole wide world am I going to do with my life? and to make this semester count-- this is the uncomfortable that matters. This is the difficult and the hard that nourishes growth and it can be the good, grace-filled kind of change, if I'll let it be. So my resolution for the year: press in.

 It's worth it.
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April 25

In the middle of the night last night, I woke up to a twisting and churning stomach. I tried to calm it and fall back asleep, but sleep was gone apparently. My mind wandered to the place that all my thoughts seem to end up these days-- Nepal. What if I get sick like this when I'm in Nepal? Immediately, all the fears and doubts about this summer flooded in. And in an attempt to still my fears, calm my stomach, and fall asleep, I prayed. I prayed for Nepal, for Tiny Hands, for my team. I prayed for the people, about Christ's kingdom being built in Nepal. I got so excited to be a part of that, and eventually, I fell asleep.

But I woke up to the news-- a 7.9 earthquake shook that tiny country to its core. Read the news, hear the statistics: this is devastating. An already poor country just became poorer. An economy that depends heavily on tourism lost all tourist appeal. 80% of the homes are gone. There is no food, no water, no roads. There are thousands on the street, scared to sleep because of the continuing tremors. Thousands of children just became orphans, wives became widows, parents became childless. Thousands of people who have never heard the gospel just died and went to hell.

My heart is breaking. I'm here in the comfort of my home, completely separate from the suffering and hurt going on in Nepal. I'm left here crying out and praying,

God, I don't see what you're doing here. This country with such deep need just became more destitute. There are already so many children who are fatherless and homeless-- how many more became orphans today? How many more died today without hearing your gospel? You ask me, and I say too many. You ask me, and I say this doesn't show your goodness. You ask me, and I don't have a single answer. Why this country? Why these people? So much is shifting and changing and shaking-- literally. I don't know what You are doing or why you chose for this earthquake to happen. 
But somehow in the midst, You are here. And You haven't changed. You are still the God of Lamentations 3:31-32 (For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."). You are still the God of Psalm 31: 21-22 ("Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, 'I am cut off from your sight.' But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.") You are still the God of Psalm 46:1-2 ("God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea.")

I'm sitting here 8,000 miles away, listening to the words of "Sovereign Over Us" (my song for this journey of Nepal). It doesn't make sense, but yet,

Your plans are still to prosper.
You have not forgotten Nepal.
You're with them in the fire and the flood, and the earthquake.
You're faithful forever, perfect in love.
You are sovereign over us.

God, I don't understand, but I know you are good. I know you have not changed. You are using this for your glory. Give me eyes to see it. Give the believers in Nepal eyes to see the beauty in the ashes. Use the body of Christ to come alongside the church of Nepal. Move people here, now, today to follow you to Nepal, to make a difference and to give hope in the midst of hopelessness. Give strength to the church in Nepal. Help them to trust in You. You alone, You always. Use this earthquake, God. Where those temples once stood, build your kingdom. Make these desperate people desperate for you. In this time of confusion and deep hurt, help the people of Nepal to see you as the One True Answer, the One True God. Become a Father to the fatherless. Make these widows your Bride. Show us yourself through this, God. Help us to trust you no matter what comes. Today, tomorrow, next week, this summer. . . You haven't forgotten Nepal, you haven't forgotten me. You're here even now.
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the Beauty of Jesus

When I was really little, my favorite movie was Snow White. I'd sing "hi ho, hi ho, off to work Daddy go?" every morning and I'd convince my precious grandpa to watch the movie with me whenever I could (which was always, because I was so spoiled & loved.)
My second favorite movie was The Sound of Music-- except, only the first VHS. The second half had a "scary jail part" where the von Trapp family hides in a cemetery. (Basically the same thing as being put in jail, right?)

And then there was Sleeping Beauty. I don't ever remember really liking the movie, but the story intrigued me as I got older. I never understood how Aurora could be so dumb. Didn't the fairies teach her that sharp pointy things hurt? Didn't she know that pricking her finger would kill her? There can't be anything that makes a spindle that exciting and worth dying for. Sleeping Beauty was dumb. I just didn't get it.

But now. . . Now I get it. Oh man, I get it.
Aurora, you and I are so similar. In your story, I see myself and I see my flesh.

Aurora was captivated by the beauty of the spinning wheel. In all the movie versions I've seen, her eyes sort of glaze over and she follows this creepy green light towards certain death. That light, and ultimately that spinning wheel, held her spell-bound & she couldn't help but move toward it and touch it. She was allured by its beauty, unaware of and unconcerned with the consequences.

Do you see? This is how I am with my sin. "Sin is the enchanting allure of what's going to kill you. I can't help but walk into the water of sin and get slammed against the rocks of judgment and hell and death. I cannot stop myself." Sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to choose sin. It enchants me, captivates me, allures me. I'm unaware of and unconcerned with the consequences of choosing to please my flesh. I have no willpower, no ability to stop myself from sinning. It's like Aurora-- she had no choice but to walk toward that spinning wheel, even though it meant her death. She was entranced by beauty and curiosity, and she suffered the consequences for it.

My favorite part of Sleeping Beauty is when Prince Philip comes and kisses Aurora. Not because it's a perfect, happily-ever-after ending, but because in that moment I see a picture of Christ. I see how in the midst of my stupid choices and pursuit of something other than Him, Jesus still loves me. He still redeems me. Over and over, He rescues me. But  Jesus is greater than any Prince Philip could ever be. The gravity of what Christ did to rescue me is infinitely greater than Philip's kiss. That kiss cost nothing, but Jesus' sacrifice cost Him everything. Because instead of letting me walk straight into death, He took my place and walked into death for me. He died so that I wouldn't have to.

There's the gospel.

It's become so beautiful to me, this message of redemption. And more and more, as I truly see the truth of the gospel, the beauty of my sin disappears, and I see it for what it really is: death, destruction, filth. How can I want sin if I realize that I'm choosing between it and Jesus? How can I choose to be obsessed with myself when Jesus gave up everything so that I can be obsessed with Him, so I can be His bride? How can I choose to say harsh and unkind words to or about someone if I see that Christ redeemed them too? How can I be so concerned with the approval of other people if Jesus has already proven that the Creator of the universe loves me? How can I choose my sin, over and over and day after day? Shouldn't I instead run to Jesus and choose to love Him instead?

 Yes. Oh man, yes! Step back. Can you imagine what would have happened if Aurora was walking in that trance-like state, following that creepy green light and Philip runs in and says "I love you, come to me and not that spinning wheel that leads to death." The movie might have been a bit of a let down without that epic Philip-fights-the-dragon scene, but it would have been a much happier ending. So much pain could have been avoided.

 I can't stop myself from sinning if I'm blinded and convincing myself that it's beautiful. I need a greater beauty to pursue. I need something better than my sin and myself to choose. . . and that beauty, it's Jesus. He's infinitely more beautiful than anything else I can find anywhere. So my daily battle becomes exposing the ugliness of sin and reminding myself of the beauty of Jesus. Choosing to follow Him has been the best decision of my entire life, and it's a decision I want to keep making every single day. Because He is beautiful, and I'm so in love with Him.
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The year of grace, a time for movement


at the beginning of 2014, i decided two things rather spontaneously :
1. 2014 will be the year of grace.
2. i want to see the sunrise at least twice.

the grace thing came about as a result of realizing that my view of grace & the gospel is so messed up. i know the facts, but i'm living like i still have to become a better person in order for God to like me and use me. i was dying to see God's grace and goodness daily, so on a whim i posted that instagram picture and 2014 was officially the year of grace, whatever that really means .

the sunrise thing only happened because i read a blog post from who knows where and there was one line that simply read "i saw the sunrise twice this year and promptly went back to bed ." it seemed to be a great accomplishment, and i once i realized that i can't remember ever getting up to see the sunrise, i decided that i would this year. even if it was only twice.

the first sunrise i saw was in the dead of winter, earlier than i liked, and on a mountainside facing west. i credited the not-so-great-as-i-thought-it-would-be morning to the fact that i didn't have coffee and i never actually saw the sun, so i woke up early again the very next weekend to try again. i found a spot that actually provided a view of the sunrise & my city down below and, with coffee in hand, i realized exactly how great this goal of getting up to watch the sunrise could be. watching the sky lighten and the sun suddenly appearing changed my perspective like nothing else i know. i left the mountain that day ready to start fresh. i had a new perspective and new eyes to see the grace that was all around me.

because just as seeing the sunrise was becoming a habit, grace was saturating my mind & my life. i formed a working definition of grace being "one-way, unconditional love." i saw that "grace is love that seeks you out even if you have nothing to give in return. grace is being loved when you are or feel unlovable. grace has the power to turn despair into hope. grace listens, lifts up, cures, transforms, and heals." grace brings the darkness to light, the place where sin and shame lose effectiveness, giving grace power. grace knows exactly who you are and loves you exactly for that reason. grace doesn't wait for you to fix your issues or start being a better person-- grace loves you right where you are.

that one word became the theme of my year. it defined it. seen or unseen, 2014 was grace from beginning to the end. i saw grace in little things like getting a fish, singing in the car with my brother, becoming a better baker and a better writer. i saw grace in the bigger things like finding the best friends i've had in my life, traveling to colorado and spending another summer at camp. but i also learned to find grace-- God showing me his one-way, unconditional love-- in the hard things. i saw grace when camp was hard and exposed my pride and bitterness. i saw grace when i was sick for weeks and struggled to get out of bed every single morning. i saw grace when i ended fall semester more broken than i'd like to admit.

this unconditional grace that knows me and loves me in spite of my mess-- it's amazing. it's what was on my mind on new years day as i woke up early to watch the sun rise, something i've now done more times than i can count. as i stood looking over the harbor, waiting for the sun to appear, i was reflecting on the past year. and as i stood there, trying to process everything about 2014, i thought of philippians 3:

"I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

looking forward, looking ahead to the goal is where i need to be focused. yes, the year wasn't what i ever expected it to be-- but it was full of grace. it was full of good gifts that i don't deserve. and whether or not i understand why God chose to give me a gift that i call ugly, he knows why. and that's enough. i'm content to rest and thank him for every gift-- ugly or beautiful.

you know the one thing that i'm reminded of every single time i get up to watch the sunrise? that the light always, always overcomes the darkness. the darkness may seem thick and dark and endless, but the sun just keeps moving. eventually, it always appears and then the darkness flees. the light always wins. but in order for the darkness to leave, the sun has to keep moving. light has to come.

so this year? i'm moving. i'm moving towards Jesus and away from myself. i'm moving towards new goals, new dreams, and new opportunities. i'm moving towards becoming the person that God is calling me to be, the one he meant me to be. i'm going to keep seeing grace, finding it everything . because the light of God's grace breaks every chain of darkness. and broken chains mean you're free. . .
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Nothing But You, God

I had been home from camp for a week when she called. A week that felt like an eternity and a blink, all in one. There was too much time to think, too many regrets and pains crowding my thoughts. But yet the six days I had been home were not nearly long enough to face each of the uncertainties. I tried, but the days passed too quickly and the questions were too deep for six short days. And then she called.

"Hi, we were wondering if you could share a testimony next Sunday about the things that God did this summer?"
"Oh. Sure."

As soon as I hung up, I felt like I made a mistake. Because honestly, I didn't see what God did this summer. Staff training week I was the epitome of pride. Teen week one, I used every excuse possible and didn't know how to handle responsibility. Junior week I was sick. And then the next week I corrected my girls in frustration more than I loved them. Teen week two was great, but so what? One good week out of five means nothing, does it? And then there was that last week -- the one that had me leaving camp feeling drained, burnt out, and discouraged. What did God do this summer? Last summer I returned with stories of campers getting saved daily, of hardened hearts melting soft at the Word of God. Last summer I gave my all and I can clearly see how God worked... But this summer? I returned with baggage, questions, and doubts. I didn't come home victorious, but beaten. I saw over and over and over that I can't do this on my own.

Now, it's two months later. I've been home for 81 days and there are still lingering doubts. There are unanswered questions and things that I don't understand. I was hoping for a semester of ease, of quiet growth and finding rest. I wanted a semester of investing in people and spending time with Jesus constantly. But no, this semester started with sickness that lasted a month. Sickness that became an excuse to not be intentional and to make it all about me. Sickness that's left exhaustion and a daily feeling like I'm drowning. Beyond the physical sickness, there are broken relationships and heartache that no one sees. There's a constant busy-ness and it's leaving me so empty. It's the middle of the semester and I'm discouraged and ready to quit and defeated yet again. There are doubts and am I doing any of this right?

It's a nightly battle, this fight for joy. Yes, there's peace that's real and stabilizing. But there's also a very real sense of failure and defeat and discouragement. I don't have answers, and really I can't even tell you what's bringing on this pain.

And here and now, again and again Jesus is drawing me close. He's promising me that if I run to him he will welcome me always with open arms. Arms that were spread wide and nailed to the cross just to prove his love and offer me redemption. But why would he do that for me, unworthy? This summer and this semester show how inadequate and unworthy and broken I really am. Because let's be honest-- I'm so very broken. So why would Jesus love me? Why would he choose to use me? Why give me opportunities to serve, knowing I'll fail again and again?

Why? Because it's really not about me. It's not about me and my brokenness, but rather about Him and his healing. His redemption. His strength. His glory. I came back to that favorite passage tonight :

 "Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Whom do I have but you, God? I don't have my strength. I don't have anything going for me but your grace. Who is like you, Jesus? Who is faithful and always ready to listen to my cries, but you? Who is always ready to guide and lead me and give overwhelming peace, even on the darkest nights? Who assures me that I am loved and that I am beloved?  And what on this earth can I desire but you-- nothing else satisfies the way you do. I've searched, looked everywhere for something that will quench this thirst and ache in my soul, but I keep coming back to you. I've looked for answers to these doubts that still crowd my mind, but all I can find is you. You're everywhere, and that's enough. You're the only thing that can satisfy. Truly, the only thing.

So yeah, I'm broken. I'm so inadequate. But there's redemption at the cross. There's a process of healing, and no matter how long that takes my God is not going to give up on me. He's going to keep working. My days may be full of discouragement and defeat, but that's not the end of the matter. There's always grace, always mercy-- new every day. I can rest knowing that I don't need answers to all my unresolved issues, I need Jesus. He keeps me near him throughout the confusion and discouragement, and that is what I need. I need him more than anything else in my life. And he freely gives of himself, always.

And that gives me strength.
Even here, even now.

So Jesus, keep me near the cross. Because I want nothing but You.

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Be Still and Know

be still and know that i am God.

but assignments, projects, work, meetings, deadlines, responsibilities, commitments : they're overwhelming . suffocating . i stay moving and busy all day long, going from one class to the next meeting to the next commitment . i don't find time to just stop and breathe and before i know it i'm in tears at the end of the day . "i can't keep going like this , " i told her . "i can't keep up this busy pace . i feel like my life is crumbling and i'm struggling with things but i never have time to deal with them or even to just breathe ."

my mind wanders back to that july morning . the morning where i hit rock bottom and almost quit . i woke up before the sun, as usual, but instead of going through the usual routine i took a walk . there was thick fog and everything was quiet and there were fears and doubts controlling my thoughts and i couldn't shake them . i was desperately looking for a way to keep moving forward . and  i found it : be still and know that i am God . 

i didn't have answers that day . but i could keep moving and trusting because God is God . he's good and he's in control .

he's got this . i only need to rest .

and here, when i'm again overwhelmed and at my end i remember that fog drenched morning and i remember those words .
be still and know that i am God .

deadlines will always be looming . there will always be something to do . i will always be busy -- that's not an excuse to not be with God . i so easily lose focus, so easily stumble . i need Jesus more than i need anything else . he's better than perfect grades, he's better than sleep . Jesus is more beautiful than my weakness and my own way . in him, i have everything i need . in him, i find rest . 
in him, i find redemption that is so beautiful and so heavy with grace .

so today, here and now, i'm choosing to run to Christ and find rest in him and just be still . because he is God .
he's got this . i need only to rest .
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73:26


my favorite psalm is psalm 73 . it's during weeks like these that i remember why .
verse 26 ?

"my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever ."

yeah, i feel that . every single part of it . i end every day seeing how i've failed . i've seen how my flesh and my heart and my friends and my expectations have let me down yet again and my only hope is that second part .

but God .

 i remember an evening at camp when we were writing with chalk on the road, helping the kids with memory verses . one asked "why are those words 'but God' so much bigger than the rest ?"
and a counselor answered : "because every time you see who we are as humans, you see how much we fail and fall short . but then you see these two little words together and everything changes . every time those two words are present, it proves God's faithfulness and love in spite of who we are ."

he's right . i fail . i get sick, i get lonely, i react in impatience and anger .
He doesn't fail . ever . He's constant, always with me, lavishing mercy and kindness every moment .

i fail . i get weak and distracted and lose focus .
but God . he doesn't fail . he gently leads me back, holding my hand, guiding me .

he gives me strength . and that strength ? it's the secret to facing anything .
"in any and every circumstance, i have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need : i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ."

and this, like most things these days, reminds me of camp as well . that last week where everything fell apart and i was at my end ? yeah, this verse came in . it was the final game . the last game of the entire summer . the pressure was on and every one of us felt it deeply . i was ready to quit when i heard it :
"i can do what ?" "ALL THINGS" "through who?" "CHRIST" "who strengthens who?" "ME!"
the counselors on my team got the entire campsite to cheer this verse as we finished the game . who cares if we won, we finished this game and we did it because we had the King of Kings with us . it changed the day for me .

 the cheer was in repeat the rest of the game . the rest of the day . in the weeks since .
i can't survive this week, this sickness still here, these deadlines looming . but i can do all things, yes even this through Christ because he's strengthening even me .

 it changes everything . because the best thing for me is for me to be near God . always . and in all things, Christ is with me . he's here strengthening and helping and guiding .
so i can't do this, but God . He can do this .

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I Choose to be Brave


there are days where the past doesn't make sense . when you still can't see why God did that or how it's ever going to work for anyone's good .
there are days when the future is overwhelming because how will these things ever work out ? how can you keep going when the next steps are so unclear ? following Jesus seems so difficult and uncomfortable and just flat out painful sometimes .

i've been there . i am there .

if you had asked me four months ago, i would have told you that i was prepared for my summer at camp . i thought i was ready, had it all together & knew what was coming . i've learned so much over the past year -- this is just the climax and a chance to apply it, right ? i've got this counseling thing down .

wrong . oh, so wrong . in those six short weeks, i saw how prone to wander my flesh is . i learned more about myself, my pride, and my weaknesses than i ever have before . i saw how i don't have it all together -- in fact, there's not much i can do well on my own . i am so broken .
i struggled through the smallest things this summer, and i left pennsylvania wondering if there was even a purpose for me being there at all . was i effective ? did i make any impact ? how am i still struggling with issues that should have been dealt with months & years ago ?

i came home from camp overwhelmed by questions and fears and uncertainties . i spent days searching for explanations and the courage to move forward . peace and answers were so elusive . i was miserable .

and then, slowly, i began to see the answer . more than that, i felt it :

in the midst of fears and doubt, i can choose to be brave . i can be brave, not because God promises answers, but my God promises me himself -- and he's the greatest answer i could ever hope for .

i can choose to embrace the brokenness of my own soul & still follow Jesus . i can choose to be brave and keep getting out of bed, even when the day and the future seem impossible . sometimes, the bravest thing i can do is just keep doing -- keep going when it'd be easier to quit . i can choose to be brave and face the fears that have crippled me for so long . i can be brave .

i choose to be brave because i know my God . i know that he loves me, regardless of my intense brokenness . i have failed him, yet his love never fails . his love gives me courage to keep going -- he's gently helping me, encouraging me every moment .

i choose to be brave because Jesus will never leave me . i never have to face a day on my own -- he's here . constantly with me, guiding me . he's here, always fighting for me . and with Jesus fighting for me, i know i have no need to fear . and in the midst of everything changing, i can be brave because i know that my God will never change .

i choose to be brave because this time has a purpose . i can trust that though i don't understand this season of pain, Someone else does . He sees the bigger picture and he knows . this moment, this season, is a beautiful gift for my good . it's growing maturity, patience, humility, love . i can face today with peace -- i can be still and know  that He is God and he's working in even this .

i choose to be brave because there's grace when i fail . i don't have to be trapped in my fear of failure because my failures are when Jesus shines most radiantly . when i fail, the brokenness is merely a crack to let the Light of the World shine through me . he's still here, gently leading, giving grace in every moment . my Jesus is so patient with me through my struggles .

and the more i choose to be brave and keep moving and keep following Jesus, i realize this : aren't the uncomfortable places the ones where i thrive most ? the uncertain times the ones where i run to Christ more ? the changing circumstances the ones that make me thankful for the faithful and unchanging Savior ? safety and security are such illusions . the answers to all my uncertainties won't really give me peace . following Jesus is infinitely better than being comfortable & finding answers to every question . so i'm done with seeking comfort and today, i choose to be brave .
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h o m e

home . it's such a beautiful, full word . it's a place of safety and freedom . home is where i find belonging .


saturday i returned home from camp . i'm back where showers actually get you clean and water doesn't taste like chlorine . i'm in a place with a comfortable bed and more than six hours of sleep each night . home is where dirty feet are socially unacceptable and you cannot sing a song about your cereal or God making slugs . i'm back in my comfort zone, in my own room with my family . i'm home .

but over the past six weeks, a little patch of land in spruce creek, pennsylvania has become my other home . camp kanesatake is where i'm safe and free and it's where i have made the deepest friendships i could ever ask for . in some ways, the summer was tirelessly hard & so uncomfortable . there were so many unanswered questions and days when i felt like quitting . but at the same time, this summer was beautiful in a very unique way . it was a summer full of God's presence, full of his grace . he broke our hardened hearts . 

i'm still sorting through everything that happened over the past six weeks . they were the busiest, most stretching weeks of growth i have experienced . i learned so much -- from truth spoken by friends & leadership and from experiences where God showed me more of who he is . it's going to take a little while to be able to truly understand and process everything that occurred . but one thing i know ? God was working . he was in control of every single detail and knew exactly what would be best for me, the staff, for each camper or parent that walked through the gates of camp kanesatake .

so though my exhaustion, cracked feet, and wild hair tell me that it's time to be truly home, i'm already missing my other home . i can't wait to share the stories of how God worked this summer . it's been deep work, uncomfortable at times . the moments didn't always seem beautiful, but looking back i can say with confidence that camp kanesatake was exactly where i needed to be this summer . God was in our midst, and i'm so thankful .
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Happy Place


tomorrow i leave for my happy place .

seriously, this camp is the first place i felt like i truly belonged . for one who has struggled with insecurity and feeling not-enough and less-than my whole life, showing up in an unknown place with unknown people for six whole weeks is a bit terrifying . i spent the entire trip up to camp trying to think of an excuse to leave because i was scared out of my mind . what if they don't like me ? what if i'm not good at this counselor thing ? there were so many fears, but oh man . now i look back and i laugh . i laugh and think "oh molly, if only you could have seen just a few hours into the future, you wouldn't be a bit worried ." because really, those people became my family . i found something that i love doing [ counseling ] and i thrived . i was not there by myself, i had my God with me and he carried me every moment of last summer . it was a full six weeks -- hard weeks, some where i wanted to quit and go home, but six weeks of becoming closer to my God & pointing girls to Him all day long .

anyways . tomorrow i go back for another six weeks . i'm counting on this summer being just as incredible, if not more, than the last . i'm expecting great things from God . i'm fully leaning on his promises and i know that he will do what he's promised to do . he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with the other staff or my campers yet, and so this summer we will grow . he will give us strength and make us more like himself and i can't wait to be part of it.

 there might be a few updates here and there, but if you don't hear from me i've either been eaten by bears or fallen off the zip line, or i might just be at camp where times to write are few and far between .
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Colorado >> Day 03



today i flew from baltimore to denver .

i spent three hours waiting in the airport . i wandered around, got my guacamole fix for the week, observed people & soaked in everything around me . and let me tell you, airports are the best place to people watch . i saw families leaving for sunny & warm vacations, businessmen bored with yet another flight, backpackers excited about their next adventure . i saw single mothers struggle with their rowdy children and elderly people trying to find baggage claim . there was a girl eating a bag of chips like it was her last meal . i watched a man sprint to make his connecting flight and a precious couple that had to be on their honeymoon .

and you know what ? the beauty of this airport today is that here i am just another one of these people . i'm just the girl writing furiously in her journal, tripping on the moving sidewalk & eating guacamole like there's no tomorrow . and here, i am free from the pressure to perform . i daily struggle with not feeling  ____ enough . i long for so much more . i search for approval and silently cry out for love everywhere . i can't let anyone see my mistakes, don't want anyone to notice that i don't have it all together . i've already written about this . it's an ongoing battle . but here amidst thousands of faces, i am just that-- a face in the crowd . i'm just another story among many, someone that you pass and don't think twice about . i'm free from trying to gain approval . there's no one here to impress . i don't have to perform or be good enough . because no one is here to care .

no one cares, except One .

the only One that really matters, the only One i really need to please at all -- He is here . He is with me; watching, smiling because i'm already approved . i'm beloved . i'm accepted . not because i'm good, but because of His gospel . i'm the object of God's love precisely because of my shortcomings -- He still loves me, completely and irrevocably . i've read ephesians . these facts saturate that book . when it comes down to it, i don't need the acceptance of people . my deepest need is the approval of God . and i already have that, in Christ .

so it's here, today, in the baltimore airport outside gate b11 that i realize this : in Christ, i have everything i need .

and i am free .
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Longing


for so long, my deepest longing has been to be fully known and yet fully loved .

it seemed impossible, this longing of mine . because who, once they really know my heart, will fully love me ? who will want anything to do with me once they see the real me ? i will never be enough . never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, athletic enough, godly enough, kind and compassionate enough . i will never ever be enough . so this intense longing is hopeless, isn't it ? it's brought discouragement and grief rather than fulfillment . time after time i've found someone that i thought would finally know + care for + love me, but time after time my heart was broken . i've grown distant . i've been crippled by my fear-- afraid to meet new people or build new relationships because i know they will end in greater heartbreak .

it's happened again and again . betrayal . hurt . heartbreak . it happened in fifth grade when my friends put me on a blanket and threw me up and then dropped me . they laughed at me for the rest of the year and it took until college to get over the feelings of insecurity i've felt since then . heartbreak happened when best friends suddenly turned their backs to me and i've consistently struggled with bitterness and cynicism . and again the guy i was close to stopped talking to me, i took it personally . i knew i wasn't worth fighting and working for so why would he, or anyone, ever try to ? it's a theme with every guy i've ever been close to . looking back, i see that these things weren't personal, but that's not how they feel . this hurt is very real . it cuts deep and leaves scars that take years and years to heal . so when i say that i don't make friends easily, i'm being serious . i hate the risk of a real relationship where i am vulnerable without knowing i will still be loved .

but at the same time, i set myself up for this hurt . my attachment is, seemingly, always greater . i've been searching for so long for someone who cares enough to keep asking how i really am when i insist that i'm okay . i'm constantly looking for one who will care enough to fight for me when i feel not-enough and less-than . my deepest longing has forever been to be fully known and yet fully loved . i'm hiding it, whispering it, but yet screaming and kicking and yelling for love all at the same time . there are days when i'm about to burst and avoid people for fear that they will see it and label me as desperate or insecure again . it's a constant struggle : searching for love and yet terrified to find it because of the vulnerability it brings .

on the outside, you'd never know . it takes a deep friendship for me to open enough to tell you about this longing . and with this information, a desperate cry for love, i give away a piece of my heart . pieces that i will never get back . so believe me, this is hard to write .

but you know, my deep longing for love ? it's fulfilled here : "but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us ." [ romans 5:8 ] this God knows every part of me fully . he "searches out my path and my lying down and is aquainted with all my ways ." [ psalm 139 ] He knows every part of me, knows my flesh and my weakness and my filth . He sees it and knows me fully . and yet . yet, he loves me . this all-knowing God didn't just show love but he defines love . he showed me the greatest love possible when He himself came down, lived perfectly in my place, and then [ in the greatest act of love humanity has ever seen ] he died and took my sin upon himself . He took my sin and shame and replaced them with his righteousness . he nailed my flesh and everything that defined me to the cross . he paid the debt and forgave my sin and all the demands & consequences that went along with it .

and the reality of the cross changes my reality today . today, when i'm again struggling and feeling much-less-than-enough, the fact that Jesus died changes everything . because my deepest longing to be fully known and fully loved is fulfilled in the cross . no longer do i need to be good enough . that's the entire point of the cross-- i'm not ever good enough, but yet Christ loves me . he knows me and still loves me to death, literally . i will never be good enough, but Christ died for me and gave me his righteousness and that becomes my enough .

so when these longings for fulfillment arise, i look to the cross .

when i long for joy, i rejoice in Christ .
when i long to fully live, i find life in Christ .
when i long to make an impact, i find purpose and hope in Christ .
when i long for strength, i find strength in my intense weakness through Christ .
when i long for wisdom, i find it in Christ .
when i long for freedom from my flesh, i see that now there's no condemnation in Christ and i breathe the fresh air of living free .
when i long for answers, i find peace in Christ .
when i long for certainty and a solid rock, i remember that i stand firm in Christ .
when i long for a relationship, i am reminded daily that i have the greatest relationship i could ever imagine with the Creator of the universe .

and in Christ, i have everything i need . yes, there will always be someone better, prettier, smarter, wittier, more athletic, more godly, more kind + compassionate than me . there will be a constant struggle for satisfaction . some days there are victory and some days i will find myself on my knees in weakness and defeat . but, because of the gospel, i am the new creature that Christ has made me to be . i am fearfully and wonderfully and intentionally made . and i have learned to be content because he is enough . and He truly is enough, always . he is enough in every situation-- every uncertainty, every heartbreak, every doubt + fear . Christ is enough . i find the answer to all of my longings in Him . so now, "with every breath, Lord, how i long to sing of the glories of the cross ." my deepest longing has changed . i have the love that i so desperately wanted . and now, now i desperately long to sing of the Savior who did so much for me . because he changed everything .
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Grace, Beginning to the End


this weekend was . . . so many things . it was full of highs (like cookouts and multiple movie nights with my best friend and happy 5ks) and lows (such as ER visits and absolutely no sleep or homework) . and this weekend left me so empty and weak . i have such a busy week ahead and i feel so drained . ( which is not cool because it's only 9 am on tuesday morning .)

i just told a friend " i don't even have time to read my bible this week . that's how busy i am . "

but then . then i changed my mind, changed my priorities and read romans 8 . and i was reminded of the words of the song : " but You have loved us and opened our eyes //  it's Your grace, from beginning to the end // it's Your grace we will never comprehend // why You drew the ones who ran from you, what can we do but offer You praise ? "

and i'm suddenly brought back to the center, the cornerstone of my being : the grace & gospel of Christ . because all of this is grace . even now, even today when i honestly have no clue how i will make it through the day in one piece . this moment is a gift of grace, and i'm choosing to take it with open hands and give thanks for it .

even here, even now .
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Living with Open Hands

as i'm sitting here in this gem of a coffee shop, it's noisy . it's reflective of my soul if i'm being honest . the air conditioner whirs loudly, people reunite and laugh, the barista steams milk and i sit here and think deeply .

i think back to our day in the mountains this week . we were so desperate to get away from the gritty routine of life and school and stress and complaining . we needed fresh air, so we drove to a hiking trail in the woods and there we hiked and talked and got our feet wet and finally breathed again . 


and as we walked along that peaceful trail, i thought of how that moment and all of its beauty was such a brilliant gift of grace . 

because God didn't have to make the sky so blue and the rushing water so lively, but He chose to do so so that we could enjoy this life fully . every moment is grace .

do you realize that ? every single moment is a gift of grace .
do i realize that? every single moment is a gift of grace .

a life is made up of a multitude of small moments . this moment-- hiking, feeling life and wind and watching light stream through trees -- it's so full of grace and becomes the essence of an entire life . this moment is a gift to me, a gift from a loving Father who delights to give his daughter good things . the moments will add up .  little moments of noticing and giving thanks for the grace of now, this changes lives .

and so i walk through the woods marveling at this love of God . a love that not only gives me gifts of light and hiking and mountain-top views, but who gives me life and breath and salvation and hope . who am i that the God of the universe knows me and still chooses to sacrifice His life to give life to me instead ?


i'm humbled by the thoughts of grace and all-sacrificing love as we get back in the car . we decide to explore a small town before returning to reality, but as we drive and talk about everything that needs to be done before next week, i so quickly forget the grace . i forgot to breathe again and i lost sight of the Light .

i remember how the entirety of my future seems uncertain . and i think about how in the past few days God has again been shifting my plans and desires and i don't understand . i feel my heart beginning to break again, beginning to shut down after feeling so vulnerable and weak yet again . i get discouraged, forgetting this grace .

i so quickly forgot the grace as we found an old antique shop . we wandered through and looked at the history and imagined the stories .

and then i saw them .


all over the shop, there were these hands . these iron and jade and glass and plastic hands . they were everywhere . we counted over twenty hands, some sitting together and some hidden and some showcased -- but they were all open hands .

and the words of ann voskamp came flooding back : "the moments open to joy when hands open to receive whatever falls from heaven, all the clear drops shimmering grace ." 

 the sight of open hands everywhere reminds me of what i am so quick to forget : the only way to truly live is to live with hands open to freely, gratefully receive whatever God chooses to give . the only way to find real and lasting joy is to see God in this very moment, whether i call it ugly or beautiful, and know that God is using this to draw me to himself . this moment is a gift of grace, of perfect love .

it's a simple concept, this living with open hands and giving thanks . but my flesh knows that this is no simple or easy task . yes, when i am walking through sunlight soaked woods and my body feels so alive it is easy to name the grace and thank God for it . but what about when it's 1:46 am and i still have homework and my head is pounding and all i want to do is sleep ? i can see God through the eyes of the children i serve, but what about when one of them is gone for weeks and we don't know if she is okay ? grace is obviously saturating the afternoon of bible study in this coffee shop, but what about the afternoon of struggling with my sin yet again, the afternoon of feeling less-than, not-enough, and hopeless ? where is the beauty and grace in the hard times that come all too often ?

i just don't see it . i don't understand .

but you know, i'm realizing that i don't have to understand . nowhere in the bible does God promise to explain himself to us or ask our opinion before he carries out his sovereign & perfect plan . all God asks us to do is trust him . he promises his character to be the same, and that is enough . Jesus never changes, and he loves us immensely, enough to die and enough to give us life and blueberry muffins .

and really, that is enough . in Christ, i am enough . in Christ, i am never hopeless because he himself is my hope . i don't see the story that God is writing today, but who am i to call it not good ? who am i to say that he should write it differently ? i don't know what a different story of today would mean, so i'm living with open hands and letting the One who does see and know all control everything . living a life of open hands is hard, i won't stand here and tell you that it's easy . but a life of open hands is so, so worth it . opening the hands lets go of bitterness, of the things and the sin that i've been clutching for far to long . opening the hands means i am ready to receive every good gift from my Father . and he gives such good gifts .

so yes, although the past few weeks have been discouraging and i've felt the life sucked from me, today is a new day . there are new mercies and new graces . my God is still the same, and He is giving me today as a gift of grace and love . i get to serve my King today, and i'm serving Him with hands spread open to receive whatever he gives .
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