If we had met for coffee seven months ago, the last time I was in this space on the internet, I would have told you that I had my life figured out. I knew, at least generally, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to do it. I knew who I would be with and how I would spend my life, and that was that. It was as good as done forever, in my mind. Though I didn’t see it at that time, my hands were tightly clenched around my idea of my best-case-scenario. Though I never would have admitted it, it didn’t really matter to me what God thought was best for my life—I was convinced that my plan was God’s best, because it was my best. I wanted what I wanted. End of story.
Except, mercifully, it isn’t the end of the story.
This afternoon, if we had met for coffee, I would’ve been
stifling yawns and wiping the remains of a second grader’s lunch from my pants
(evidently he didn’t see me standing there?). I would’ve told you how much I
love spending my day with 25 seven year olds, how I love teaching in a
classroom, how I’m thriving. (I also would’ve admitted that that’s something I never would have expected to come out of
my mouth—though I know the entire rest of the world is convinced that I was born to teach; I just never wanted that for
myself, until now.) Just as I would have at the beginning of the year, today I
would tell you about my plans for the future, or at least for the next eighteen
months. Yet I can guarantee that there would be a change in me as I shared my
heart.
Maybe the change is subtle, maybe it’s something that only I
notice. But I look back and I can trace so
clearly how God has led, how he’s grown and matured and shaped me over this
season. It’s been hard—the hardest months I’ve experienced in my life. But
they’ve genuinely been some of the best months I could ask for, because God
slowly and gently pried my rigid hands from their grip on my life and the plans
I had made. Over the past months I've slowly realized the
deep beauty of Jesus, and how He’s better than everything—even my
best-case-scenario.
And I’ll be honest with you: this was not an easy process. Surrender isn’t easy—especially when you’re giving up the things you love most. Especially when you don’t know how this will turn out. Especially when we’re talking about saying goodbye forever to a serious relationship. Especially when you’re walking away from the beautiful plans you laid out for your life, and stepping into unknown, difficult, and different. It’s been a season full of tears, full of deep hurt and pain and rejection.
It’s been full of days pleading with God for a different way forward, and full of nights crying out to Him
for comfort and healing. There’s been a lot of confusion. A lot of tears. I’ve
walked through so many changes. I spent a summer in a new role, doing something that shoved me so far out of my comfort zone as I worked as coffee shop manager + camp photographer/videographer. I’ve experienced most of the core relationships
in my life shifting, changing, or ending. I’ve entered an entirely different (last)
semester of my undergrad career, teaching in a real classroom in a public school. I’m moving forward with big plans for life after graduation. It’s
busy and exhausting at best, overwhelming and crushing at its worst.
But through every bit of the struggle, I can sit here today
and tell you, with complete confidence: it’s been worth it all. Worth every
moment of pain. Through the stress and the heartache and the confusion, Jesus
is better. He’s faithful. He’s worth it. I wouldn't change a thing about this season, because it's drawn me closer to the heart of the Father, more deeply in love with Jesus, more in tune to how the Spirit is working.
Though it looks drastically different than my own
best-case-scenario, God has been working His
best for my life.
And for the next year and a half, it’s taking me to Indonesia.
Yeah, you heard me right: at the beginning of the new year, I’m up and moving my life to Indonesia for eighteen months. I'll live and work
alongside a really great family. I’ll be teaching their children and soaking in
all I can about life in Indonesia. (Bring on the culture shock and everything I love about that Southeast Asian culture.)
It’s both unexpected and yet not at all surprising. I'll perhaps share more specific information (including how you can support me!) in the coming days, but really? This is all just to say that though this was
not in my own plans—to be single, to move halfway across the world for over a
year, to spend my days teaching, to step out confidently into a big, often scary unknown— I’m immeasurably thankful that this is in God's plans. I'm thankful that my God didn’t leave me to
my own, broken way and call it the end of the story. I’m thankful that He
gently stepped in to help me release my hold on my life, though at times I came kicking and screaming. I’m thankful that He opened my
blind eyes to His beauty, showing me that He’s worth it all. I never would be here on my own— it's all because of the kindness of my Father.
I’m glad to be back in this space on the internet, sharing my heart more often.
I’m thrilled for what the coming months hold in Indonesia.
I’m so, so excited to see how God moves.
It’s worth it all, just to know Him more.
