for so long, my deepest longing has been to be fully known and yet fully loved .
it seemed impossible, this longing of mine . because who, once they really know my heart, will fully love me ? who will want anything to do with me once they see the real me ? i will never be enough . never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, athletic enough, godly enough, kind and compassionate enough . i will never ever be enough . so this intense longing is hopeless, isn't it ? it's brought discouragement and grief rather than fulfillment . time after time i've found someone that i thought would finally know + care for + love me, but time after time my heart was broken . i've grown distant . i've been crippled by my fear-- afraid to meet new people or build new relationships because i know they will end in greater heartbreak .
it's happened again and again . betrayal . hurt . heartbreak . it happened in fifth grade when my friends put me on a blanket and threw me up and then dropped me . they laughed at me for the rest of the year and it took until college to get over the feelings of insecurity i've felt since then . heartbreak happened when best friends suddenly turned their backs to me and i've consistently struggled with bitterness and cynicism . and again the guy i was close to stopped talking to me, i took it personally . i knew i wasn't worth fighting and working for so why would he, or anyone, ever try to ? it's a theme with every guy i've ever been close to . looking back, i see that these things weren't personal, but that's not how they feel . this hurt is very real . it cuts deep and leaves scars that take years and years to heal . so when i say that i don't make friends easily, i'm being serious . i hate the risk of a real relationship where i am vulnerable without knowing i will still be loved .
but at the same time, i set myself up for this hurt . my attachment is, seemingly, always greater . i've been searching for so long for someone who cares enough to keep asking how i really am when i insist that i'm okay . i'm constantly looking for one who will care enough to fight for me when i feel not-enough and less-than . my deepest longing has forever been to be fully known and yet fully loved . i'm hiding it, whispering it, but yet screaming and kicking and yelling for love all at the same time . there are days when i'm about to burst and avoid people for fear that they will see it and label me as desperate or insecure again . it's a constant struggle : searching for love and yet terrified to find it because of the vulnerability it brings .
on the outside, you'd never know . it takes a deep friendship for me to open enough to tell you about this longing . and with this information, a desperate cry for love, i give away a piece of my heart . pieces that i will never get back . so believe me, this is hard to write .
but you know, my deep longing for love ? it's fulfilled here : "but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us ." [ romans 5:8 ] this God knows every part of me fully . he "searches out my path and my lying down and is aquainted with all my ways ." [ psalm 139 ] He knows every part of me, knows my flesh and my weakness and my filth . He sees it and knows me fully . and yet . yet, he loves me . this all-knowing God didn't just show love but he defines love . he showed me the greatest love possible when He himself came down, lived perfectly in my place, and then [ in the greatest act of love humanity has ever seen ] he died and took my sin upon himself . He took my sin and shame and replaced them with his righteousness . he nailed my flesh and everything that defined me to the cross . he paid the debt and forgave my sin and all the demands & consequences that went along with it .
and the reality of the cross changes my reality today . today, when i'm again struggling and feeling much-less-than-enough, the fact that Jesus died changes everything . because my deepest longing to be fully known and fully loved is fulfilled in the cross . no longer do i need to be good enough . that's the entire point of the cross-- i'm not ever good enough, but yet Christ loves me . he knows me and still loves me to death, literally . i will never be good enough, but Christ died for me and gave me his righteousness and that becomes my enough .
so when these longings for fulfillment arise, i look to the cross .
when i long for joy, i rejoice in Christ .
when i long to fully live, i find life in Christ .
when i long to make an impact, i find purpose and hope in Christ .
when i long for strength, i find strength in my intense weakness through Christ .
when i long for wisdom, i find it in Christ .
when i long for freedom from my flesh, i see that now there's no condemnation in Christ and i breathe the fresh air of living free .
when i long for answers, i find peace in Christ .
when i long for certainty and a solid rock, i remember that i stand firm in Christ .
when i long for a relationship, i am reminded daily that i have the greatest relationship i could ever imagine with the Creator of the universe .
and in Christ, i have everything i need . yes, there will always be someone better, prettier, smarter, wittier, more athletic, more godly, more kind + compassionate than me . there will be a constant struggle for satisfaction . some days there are victory and some days i will find myself on my knees in weakness and defeat . but, because of the gospel, i am the new creature that Christ has made me to be . i am fearfully and wonderfully and intentionally made . and i have learned to be content because he is enough . and He truly is enough, always . he is enough in every situation-- every uncertainty, every heartbreak, every doubt + fear . Christ is enough . i find the answer to all of my longings in Him . so now, "with every breath, Lord, how i long to sing of the glories of the cross ." my deepest longing has changed . i have the love that i so desperately wanted . and now, now i desperately long to sing of the Savior who did so much for me . because he changed everything .
