. . . You are working in our waiting,
You're sanctifying us,
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust.
Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us.
You're with us in the fire and the flood.
You're faithful forever, perfect in love
You are sovereign over us. . .
how can i put into words the crippling fear of last night ? knowing that very soon i'm going to have to make some of the biggest decisions of my life, i couldn't sleep . i don't really handle stress well, and this was no exception . i was a mess, thinking about every possible mistake i could make, every way this could go wrong . though i finally fell asleep, i woke up early .
so i decided to see the sunrise . [ i mean, if you're already awake, you might as well make it worth it. ] as i went through the motions of preparing for my day, questions and doubts and fears were racing through my mind. "what if i'm not ready for this?" "what if i'm doing this all wrong?" "what if i fail?" "how do i know if this is what i need to choose?" "how do i even know anything?" "why me, God? why have you chosen me for this?"
talk about an intense morning .
i found that my favorite spot was abandoned. i got out of my car, put on my warm gloves and settled into a very uncomfortable swing. . . and i waited .
and slowly, surely. . . the darkness faded into light . again, the light won . because the light always wins.
and as always, as i watched the sun rise and the darkness fade away, i felt something change inside of me . i was reminded that God loves me . he loves me . he loves me . and if he loves me, if he's for me, then absolutely nothing can be against me . not even this uncertainty .
i don't know how to explain the desperation i felt . i didn't know the right decision, i didn't know what the next step was, i didn't know anything . . . all i knew was that i needed Jesus . oh, i so deeply need Jesus . and these words were on repeat all morning : "all my fears, all my dreams, held in your hands . in your everlasting arms all the pieces of my life, from beginning to the end, i can trust you . in your never failing love you work everything for good . God, whatever comes my way i will trust you . Jesus, i will trust you. "
and so a morning i was dreading turned into a morning where i saw God's grace before my eyes . i still don't have answers, but i have a deeper desperation for God than i've ever had in my life . yes, this is a time of serious waiting, seeking God's will constantly . they're some of the most stressful days i remember . . . but He's working in my waiting . he has not forgotten me . his plans are still to prosper, he's with me . here, now . he's faithful, forever.
