Because every time I stand up and start to get back to the work of packing up my life, I freak out. My stomach churns and I can barely breathe and all I can think about is how much I don't want to leave all of this. I don't want to leave the only home I've ever known. I don't want to leave a city that I know like the back of my hand. I don't want to leave my church community, my routines, my best friends. I don't want to leave home and family and dinners with my parents.
But alongside these thoughts of fear are the thoughts of confidence that scream that this move is EXACTLY what I need to be doing, and I haven't doubted that for a second. Daily, often hourly, there is clarity & peace & confidence & reassurance that following Jesus looks like moving to Indonesia for now.
Yet at the same time, it's terrifying. These fears coexist with confidence and peace, and it's an unusual feeling.
& I think a lot of this freaking out happens when reality hits and I look around at my life in piles, and I make comments like "won't need these boots again for two years", and I walk to my empty closet. It's most difficult when I realize how vastly different my life looks now from how it did a year ago or even six months ago.
Life now is so very different from my original plans for my life. Life now is so very different from anything I've ever walked through or experienced before.
And no, to be honest, I wouldn't change any of this. I wouldn't go back, I don't want my old realities back, I wouldn't choose comfortable over this uncomfortable place of stepping out into unknown, knowing that this is where God has me & what he's been preparing me for all along.
But yet.
Yet this is still scary. I still freak out. I still have to stop and sit and breathe deeply. I have to take breaks from packing before I'm too overwhelmed. I have to ask friends to hold off on goodbyes until I'm in a better position to handle them. I have to ask for a lot of grace. I have to press pause on the "what if's" constantly on my mind until I'm at a better place to deal with them.
There are a lot of fears and unknowns in my mind currently. Which is tough for me, really. I like things to make sense, for me to have at least a basic grasp on what's going on, to have an idea of what to expect. I like routine, consistency.
This is none of that.
I can't plan. I can't picture what life will look like two weeks from now. Legitimately-- I have no clue.
And that's so hard.
But it's good for me.
Because when it comes down to it, I've just spent 20 minutes sitting and breathing and praying and listening to worship music and refocusing my heart.
20 minutes that otherwise might be overlooked and not prioritized. & I've seen how the hard things are really the best things, because they push me towards the heart of God like nothing else. And I know that I'll stand up from this corner of my room with a stronger confidence and deeper trust in the Father, and a more resilient heart.
And so it's worth it all, to know Jesus more.
Also: this is my last post on October Grey. Come the new year and a new season for me, I'll be launching a new website & blog that I'm thrilled to share. But worth noting: thank you so much for making my college years of writing on October Grey so great. And keep an eye out for my new site-- it'll be great.
