I sit here, overwhelmed by everything God has done in this year. 2013 was a hard year. It was full of unexpected trials and hardships, but that doesn't mean it was not incredible. In fact, I think that if it weren't for the really hard, painful moments, 2013 wouldn't be the wonderful memory that it now is.
It started with Passion. We read Ephesians 3:20 and prayed that God would do great things with us this year-- immeasurably more than I could ask or think. I didn't really think that "immeasurably more" was possible, but I prayed it would be. I heard Francis Chan share his prayer that the year wouldn't be easy, because it's through hard times that you grow. I silently prayed the same thing-- that I'd grow through trials (which means my year wouldn't be easy). I watched video after video, heard testimonies, prayed, and heard opportunities of ending the horror that is human trafficking. It was the first time I realized the seriousness of this trade, and through those four days at Passion2013, God hit me hard and I knew I couldn't live my life just for myself.
I came home from Passion, wondering my next step, praying. And then, not even 24 hours later, I got a phone call. A phone call from a man I had never met, asking me to step outside my comfort zone and come counsel at a camp that I'd never heard of. I prayed, I agreed, signed a contract, and waited for summer.
Then we got the news. The news that my mom might have cancer. What followed was three scary months of uncertainty-- not knowing whether to prepare for the best or the worst. We prayed, and I clung to the goodness of God. And, just as I had prayed and God had promised, I grew through that trial. I trusted my God so much more. Mom had surgery and they can't explain it, but everything is okay for now.
I am so thankful for my mom. After I finished a tough semester (and changed my major), Mom and I spent two weeks working in Colorado together before I left for camp. We drank coffee, we drove long hours, we sang, we listened to sermons, we worked. It was good.
And then I went to camp. I showed up at a place that I knew relatively nothing about, hoping for great things, but preparing myself for disappointment. But after just one day there, I knew that this camp was where I needed to spend my summer. God was so good in bringing me there. Camp Kanesatake changed my life completely-- but it really wasn't camp that changed my life, although it played a part. God used those people and circumstances to strip away my sin and grow new life, but He was the one that did that.
Camp was hard-- campers that I love left camp not caring about God or still depending on themselves for change. I felt so inadequate, I didn't know how to show these girls that following Jesus was the best thing that they could ever do. I had no choice but to trust that God would continue to work in their hearts, but I struggled with not being the one to see that fruit. I did disciple some girls, and many of them did grow in Christ, but I also failed in so many ways. And when I was at my lowest, weakest, and most vulnerable point, there was a bus accident where friends died and many people I know were grieving, but I could do nothing to help. That day, I almost gave up. I began that next week full of fear, vulnerability, weakness, and exhaustion-- praying that somehow, some way, God could still use me in spite of me. And oh man did God work that week. I had a cabin full of girls that were so hard against the gospel. They seemed to listen, but they didn't care about anything I was sharing-- or so I thought. The last full day of the week, five of those girls, one after another, came to me and wanted to know how they could be saved. They wanted this Jesus that they had been hearing so much about. They wanted Him to change their lives, and He did. Throughout the entire summer, I saw God work. He worked in my camper's hearts, saving nine of them; He worked in my heart, tearing down strongholds and showing me just how satisfying He can be.
Camp showed me my flesh, but it also showed me my hope-- Jesus. Yes, my weeks at camp were some of the most stretching and hard times, but they were quite possibly the best weeks of my year. I learned so much. I let go of so much baggage and had a real, living and breathing relationship with the God that saved me. I made friendships and relationships that I plan on keeping for many years. I had fun and left with great memories. I can't go a day without thinking of someone or something at camp. So yes, camp was hard, but so good.
I came home from camp, started school, started to wrap up this year. This semester was a time of growth and learning and rethinking a lot-- my major, relationships, what I want to do with my life. A lot has changed since November. I look back at my journal today and see huge ways that God has changed me even in the past two months. God is faithful, and He definitely did immeasurably more with this year than I could have ever asked or dreamed.
And, in a small way, I feel like it's been leading up to the past few days. I just got home from spending five days in Louisville, Kentucky at Cross Conference. When John Piper gave the opening message, the first words of the conference, he said "Perhaps ten or twenty years from now you'll look back at now and say that 'I was at Cross Conference where God caused all the loose pieces in my life to fit together, and I could see what He had been doing, all those painful and happy years'" and my heart resonated with the words. This is where all the pieces start to fit together. I heard speaker after speaker, I came home with books to read, and I have fifteen pages of notes to process. I don't know the pattern the rest of my life will take, but I do know this: God does. He has it under control. If nothing else, the past few days [the past year] has shown me that my God is so faithful. He carries out His perfect will in His perfect way. I so desperately want to serve Him, and He is free to take my life and put it together however He chooses.
So now I'm beginning 2014 overwhelmed by the goodness of God. God didn't have to let me go to camp or go through trials or let me build great friendships last year. But He chose to, because He loves me. And the more I get to know this God that gives so much grace so freely, the more deeply I fall in love with Him. And so I'm stepping back to focus, to rethink, to pray, to look into some amazing opportunities. I'm saying goodbye to Facebook. I'm not eating sugar and I'm [hopefully] opening an Etsy shop soon, with the intention of using the profits [however big or small] to save for a missions trip. I'm making plans to serve in multiple outreaches and searching for ways to grow. But most importantly, this year I'm choosing to follow Jesus-- whatever the cost.
||"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly [immeasurably more] than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21||
